My greatest fear (warning, a bit dark)

Do you know what I fear the most?

Not death. No. I got over my fear of death a long while ago. Once you accept the fact that everybody dies, you’re not scared anymore. You get over it eventually. (Well, I did).

I’m not Augustus Waters. I don’t fear oblivion. Just like Hazel told him, everybody who ever knew you would eventually die; in turn nobody would remember you. I accepted the fact that I am extraordinarily mundane. I know that I would never do anything that would warrant the whole world to know who I am. There would be few people, yes. Family, a few friends, maybe a few people who saw my name or recognize me on the streets, but yeah, only those. I meant “only” in the sense of little in number, not little in meaning to me. (I may not show it, but the few people that I love, I really do love).

I do not fear death. I do not fear oblivion. Death and oblivion, both are inevitable.

What I fear the most is when I snap. The time when everything inside me would cause an implosion. Nobody would get hurt, nobody but me. Or maybe not even me, because once I implode, I know I would be numb. I would be unfeeling.

I would not commit suicide. I pondered on the thought a long while ago…and yes, the thought might have passed my mind a few times again, but I would never truly attempt it again. It would be impractical. Nobody would benefit from my death. I would hurt people, and as unfeeling as I would probably get, I would not want that.

I would continue to exist. But yes, I would just exist.  

And nobody would know that I’m just an empty shell. No soul. Just a body. A beating heart, but does not beat for anyone or anything, just pumps blood. A working brain, but does not dream or imagine, just thinks. A talking mouth, but does not laugh, just speaks. A pair of eyes, but do not observe, just see.

A body, technically functioning, but does not feel.

Existing, but not living.

I fear the time when even my own simple pleasures; watching videos of my favorite You Tubers, listening to music, reading a fantasy fiction novel, writing fan fiction, reading fan fiction, looking at pictures of You Tubers and fictional characters, daydreaming…I fear the day when those things won’t matter to me anymore. When I just wake up to…wake up. Not to seize a new day. Not to experience new things. Not to see the world. Not even just to see what the daily vlog of Thatcher Joe or Pointless Blog is. Not to even anticipate anything.

I fear the day that I decide to stop living and just exist.

I fear the day…the time…when I decide to abandon all hope and just be alive. Just exist for the sake of existing.

That, is my greatest fear. I do not fear death or oblivion. I fear not living. 

Interview....first solo interview....*dun dun dun...

I am feeling so freakin' nervous at the moment. Why? I am just going on my first solo job interview tomorrow. Yeah. Job. Interview. (That sounds really adult, don't you think?)

Anyway, I'm pretty nervous. And just to clarify things to be fair, this interview isn't for a real job, per se. (Per se...I love using per se :)) It's for an internship. I had a interviews before, of course, but this is different. When I had my previous interviews, it was with either my classmates or in school, (still with my friends), so this time...the flying solo thing is freaking me out a lot. And here's why:

1) I get lost pretty easily. Okay, not just pretty easily, but easily. Unless it's just to go straight, I can't follow directions for the life of me.

2) I'm pretty nervous around strangers. I get all these butterflies in my stomach and I just feel like retching the moment I'm put in a place full of strangers. It's like I could feel all eyes on me and that just makes me want to hide in a hole.

3) I can't talk properly because of the above reason. I just hope that me arriving 1 hour before my interview schedule would give me enough time to relax and get my bearings.

I can't believe that I'm going to do this. Well, it's not that I can't believe it, because I did imagine it. I think the better statement would be, I don't think I can do this.

It's not just first day jitters or something, I'm really nervous and scared too. I could mess everything up for me with just one slip of the tongue. Or what if I get there early but spend too much time hyperventilating in the restroom and miss my interview? What if I look so under dressed? What if I look over dressed?

Oh the woes of a twenteen year old hoping to get an internship to graduate...which in turn would get me a real job....

Wow, no pressure there.

So yeah, good luck to me tomorrow. Hopefully I can give a pretty good impression and pass my interview.

Here's to me trying to be a functional person.

Bachelor of Arts in Communication and Service Management...that's my B.A.

In all honesty, I chose my course the moment I received the University of Makati form that you have to fill up in the college registration. I mean, literally. I only just decided what I will take up in college at the exact moment when I was being asked what I wanted to take up. I was staring at the courses listed already and that's the moment when I decided.

Great start in college, you betcha! (Great procrastination skills too)

But all kidding aside, the moment I received that form, my eyes zeroed in on one course, Organizational Communication. I've always wanted a course in Communication or English because:

1. I hate Math. I thought that if I chose an English course I could dodge the fatal bullet that is Mathematics. (I honestly suck at Math in high school, but oddly enough, I passed my Maths. Yay for me!) 
2. I love English. I love speaking it, I love writing using the language. I just love it. (And the course delivered).
3. I hate Math...oh wait, I already said that, but anyway, it's my main reason so it deserves to be ticked twice.

Anyway, Organizational Communication was a ladderized course, meaning that  after two years, we would all graduate(which we did), and we have a choice on whether to continue our course and turn our Associates' degree into a Bachelor's degree. (which I did). 

The course, which started out as BA in Organizational Communication, changed into BA in Communication and Service Management. Basically, it's all about learning how to communicate (shocker since its a communication course), in a workplace, your office for example. It's basically knowing how to deal with both internal and external customers. FYI, external customers are your typical definition of a customer, someone who purchases either a service or a good from you, while an internal customer is someone from within the company (hence the name internal, obviously), and you need to cater to their needs. This typically applies to the HR personnel catering the needs of the other employees in the company. 

BACSM (Acronym for the course), is a new course to most people's ears. People know Mass Communication, Journalism, Office Management, Business Administration, Marketing, and all that, but no really knows what BACSM is. Well, its basically all of those courses put together. We learn how to speak and use English properly, we talk about public relations, we study the ins and outs of companies and organizations, we talk about human behavior and how it affects people, we study technology, basically everything, little bits and pieces of things, but everything that's important to our course of course. 

In BACSM, I already said that we learn a lot from different fields of study and it just makes it easier for us to adapt to a lot of jobs. We could go to Customer Service, we could do back office jobs like encoding, we could be part of the Human Resource team, we could do Public Relations, we could teach if we wanted to, we could even be part of Management. There are a lot of perks of taking up this course and I've really enjoyed it. 

Like all other courses in college, it is hard work, but really, its COLLEGE, if you think that its easy, than you've got another thing coming. There are still the presentations, the quizzes, the exams, the deadlines, the homework, the recitation, the writing, the practicals...but it is worth while. Everything that we did and will do is for the course, in preparation for the future. (A bit deep). 

But...there is a but...

As wise Confucius said, 

"Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

It's the same principle for BACSM. I love it, so it often never feels like work. When it gets hard, I often just think of it as a hurdle, something I have to get through to get farther. It's a fun course because I decided that I wanted it to be fun for me, not just because its fun in theory.

BACSM for me was a choice, even if it was a spur-of-the-moment-think-fast choice, it was still MY choice, and it's a choice that I will never regret taking.

I talk to inanimate objects....and I got caught.

I know that it's pretty normal to, you know, talk to yourself and what not. It's what most people do when they think to themselves, but really...I don't just talk to myself...I have to talk to something.

And the time I got caught for talking, I wasn't even thinking about anything...which makes it a hundred times worse because it just makes me more of weirdo in their eyes....

I noticed this strange habit of mine just recently, (which, now that I think about it, adds to the mystery of why the people around me haven't institutionalized me yet), when I was folding laundry. At home, being the lazy person that I am, just lets clothes pile high someplace. We have a swivel chair in the bedroom that I'm sure had never been sat on since we got it. It's main purpose in life at our house? The miscellaneous clothes catcher. And I don't mean just a few curtains here and there, a couple of pairs of pants, and the once-used tee shirt, no, I mean the piled-to-the-brim-oh-my-gosh-this-chair-is-defying-nature kind of thing. Anyway, I was folding some jeans and there were about four of them and while taking them off the hangers, I decided to place them on top of the piled to the heavens chair. (For the record, I had no intention of leaving them there...honest!) My Mom comes peeking in and told me not to put the jeans there as the chair would probably collapse, and I nodded and then without missing a beat, turned back to my folding and then proceeded to apologize to the swivel chair for making it do manual labor without pay.

Yeah...I did that.

I don't know why I did that, but I did. And the sad part is, my Mom caught me doing it.

When I was finally aware that she was still there, I turned to look at her and there she was, just looking at me. I guessed the things running through her mind then...

1. I'm a failure as a Mother
2. I don't know how I managed to raise a girl like her
3. I can't believe that this is my twenty year old daughter

So...yeah, you could probably guess that after that fiasco, I am writing this whole thing, cringing all the while and burrowing deeper and deeper into my pillow fort. (which was well-constructed by the way, since it's still up). Hopefully I could move pass this and be able to look at my Mom in the eye again. (Maybe after about 2....200 more years, maybe?)

The first functional blog post in the functional human being's blog (yay!)

My fingers are literally curling as I type at the moment. This is my first real attempt at blogging...and I am a hundred percent petrified! I won't say I don't know...because I do. It's the crippling thought of being judged and that is one of my biggest fears, but I'm going to overcome it anyway. I mean, I overcome that fear almost everyday when I walk out my door and go to school...so yeah, I think I can do it. Anyway, now that I've lowered your expectations, I think I can start! :D

I guess I'll start by introducing myself. Well, I'm Bea. Though I think that will be pretty obvious by the name "Bea the functional human being"...yeah...anyway, I chose that name, (the long one, not the three letter one, my parents chose that, obviously, because they couldn't let me be like Alaska Young and wait until I'm ready to choose my own kick-ass name like....hmmm...I don't know, but I will think about it now that I have no choice on the matter), because I think it's self-affirmative. I want to be a functional human being, but a lot of people seem to contest the matter, so yeah. This name will prove them wrong. It would prove them all wrong!  (cue evil laugh and lightning with a castle back drop).

So yeah...my interests, well, I'm not sure if you're interested enough or even still reading this, but my interests are pretty basic. I love Food (obviously, who doesn't?!), books (mostly fiction/fantasy* read: HARRY POTTER), Anime (and manga), You Tubers (now this is pretty new to me, but I'm positively hooked on it! I can't get enough of You Tubers now...it's a drug), Tumblr (which, again, is pretty new to me, but like YouTube, I'm hooked!), Music (mostly All Time Low), dragons, dogs, and films. I'm pretty versatile when it comes to my choices in all of the things mentioned above. I could like one genre today and like another tomorrow.

The reason why I just now decided to write a blog is actually in the first paragraph. I am terrified of writing things that everybody could see.
*Why don't you just write in a journal if you're so scared?
Well...I'm a pretty lazy person and I've tried and tried so hard to write in a journal properly since I was about 7, but I just couldn't pull through with it. Now that I have a functioning laptop, I rediscovered my love for writing, (hearing the way the keys click-clack when I type is just about the most uplifting thing for me), and because of that, it motivated me to write more. I chose to blog because I want people to read what I write. I want people to see bits and pieces of what's in my mind. (I just hope you're ready for it).

I think I'll stop now with this lame excuse for an introduction. I think my personality would come out with the things I'll write about anyway.  Basically, it will be about the things mentioned above, because they're the things that I like and basically I just want to share it with you guys, if you're interested, that is. (Though I hope you are.)