My greatest fear (warning, a bit dark)

Do you know what I fear the most?

Not death. No. I got over my fear of death a long while ago. Once you accept the fact that everybody dies, you’re not scared anymore. You get over it eventually. (Well, I did).

I’m not Augustus Waters. I don’t fear oblivion. Just like Hazel told him, everybody who ever knew you would eventually die; in turn nobody would remember you. I accepted the fact that I am extraordinarily mundane. I know that I would never do anything that would warrant the whole world to know who I am. There would be few people, yes. Family, a few friends, maybe a few people who saw my name or recognize me on the streets, but yeah, only those. I meant “only” in the sense of little in number, not little in meaning to me. (I may not show it, but the few people that I love, I really do love).

I do not fear death. I do not fear oblivion. Death and oblivion, both are inevitable.

What I fear the most is when I snap. The time when everything inside me would cause an implosion. Nobody would get hurt, nobody but me. Or maybe not even me, because once I implode, I know I would be numb. I would be unfeeling.

I would not commit suicide. I pondered on the thought a long while ago…and yes, the thought might have passed my mind a few times again, but I would never truly attempt it again. It would be impractical. Nobody would benefit from my death. I would hurt people, and as unfeeling as I would probably get, I would not want that.

I would continue to exist. But yes, I would just exist.  

And nobody would know that I’m just an empty shell. No soul. Just a body. A beating heart, but does not beat for anyone or anything, just pumps blood. A working brain, but does not dream or imagine, just thinks. A talking mouth, but does not laugh, just speaks. A pair of eyes, but do not observe, just see.

A body, technically functioning, but does not feel.

Existing, but not living.

I fear the time when even my own simple pleasures; watching videos of my favorite You Tubers, listening to music, reading a fantasy fiction novel, writing fan fiction, reading fan fiction, looking at pictures of You Tubers and fictional characters, daydreaming…I fear the day when those things won’t matter to me anymore. When I just wake up to…wake up. Not to seize a new day. Not to experience new things. Not to see the world. Not even just to see what the daily vlog of Thatcher Joe or Pointless Blog is. Not to even anticipate anything.

I fear the day that I decide to stop living and just exist.

I fear the day…the time…when I decide to abandon all hope and just be alive. Just exist for the sake of existing.

That, is my greatest fear. I do not fear death or oblivion. I fear not living.